The Medic Madness blog has a regular series of humor posts about celebrity paramedics. I proposed to Sean and other bloggers that we write posts about “If Tim Tebow was a Paramedic.” The Ambulance Driver’s post on If Tim Tebow was a Paramedic. The Happy Medic also shares his thoughts on Tim Tebow as a Paramedic. Captain Chair Confessions, with some compelling stats, writes about Tim Tebow as a Paramedic. I am sure we won’t find the Social Medic “tebowing” anytime soon, but he did lay out what life would be like if Tim Tebow was a Paramedic.
[Scene – Emergency Department Trauma Bay]
Dr. Elway: Great save Medic Tebow. You pulled another patient from the jaws of defeat. How did you do it?
Medic Tebow: Thanks Doc. We were called for a patient with difficulty breathing so I immediately gave the patient some food to see if he could chew something.
Dr. Elway: Yeah, he looks like a guy that really likes to eat.
Medic Tebow: Well I didn’t want to force anything in there. I noticed he was wearing a watch so I figured he might have seizures so we gave him some of that valium.
That seemed to do the trick because his breathing really decreased.
Dr. Elway: Was he having a seizure?
Medic Tebow: I told him that for sure he would have a game winning seizure and everyone would remember him. He seemed inspired and I know it really fired up the crew.
Dr. Elway: What was his breathing rate?
Medic Tebow: I figured 5 out of 25 would be enough for him to get out of his funk.
Dr. Elway: He was in a funk?
Medic Tebow: For sure he was in a funk. Usually I give 2mg of morphine for pain but I called out the demons by giving him 6mg of morphine.
Dr. Elway: Did it work?
Medic Tebow: Like a charm. He was still as a statue and turning blue so I knew he was going to be a winner.
Dr. Elway: Sounds like he needed a miracle.
Medic Tebow: That was the coolest part. While I knelt at the patient’s side with my chin in my hand … let me show you what I looked like …
Dr. Elway: Go on …
Medic Tebow: Right … so an EMT appeared out of nowhere. He was holding some sort of healing machine that he placed over the patient’s face. Every few seconds he squeezed that bag and you know what?
Dr. Elway: What?
Medic Tebow: Aw shucks, the patient was raised from the dead! That EMT, he’s like having an awesome field goal kicker on the team. He kept squeezing that bag until we got here. Drilled it. Right through the uprights.
Dr. Elway: Great save Medic Tebow. You deserve all the credit and recognition in the world for this save. I am sure they will be talking about this one around the water cooler for weeks.
Medic Tebow: Thanks Doc. You know I just work really hard and try to get better every day because I know I can make a difference.
[Scene – Training Academy 2 weeks later]
Medic Tebow: Good morning everyone. I am really thrilled about this promotion. I am going to be your ACLS instructor this morning. They told me since I have had a couple of saves recently that makes me an “MVP” around here and I should be teaching ACLS.
[Scene – Recognition Ceremony 4 weeks later]
Chief: Congratulations to our newest Supervisor, paramedic Tebow. Because of your exemplary performance in the field I have fast tracked your promotion to best paramedic ever and we all know our best paramedics make our best supervisors.
Chief continues: Paramedic Stafford we have our eye on you. It’s not enough to have one of the greatest year’s ever at this service. You need to make sure the rest of your crew is in line and not kicking and screaming so much that they are getting penalized. Watch how Tebow handles his crew.
Chief continues: Paramedics Brady, Rodgers, and Brees this profession is about racking up great scene times, threading IV’s into difficult veins, or flawlessly leading your crew to accomplish patient ROSC. Intangibles are important. We are keeping a close eye on all three of you because without intangibles we just can’t be sure you are winners. Winning is 65% intangibles.
Note: Best of luck to all of the teams and their fans this weekend in the NFL divisional play-offs. As a lifelong Packer’s fan of course I am rooting for the Packers, but I wish every fan the thrill of watching four great games. Enjoy!